Chapter Twenty Three : Venetian Blue
Madison mumbles some meaningless excuse for why she’s hightailing it but I don’t hear her. I don’t hear a word. I’m so far from listening, she could be halfway to California by now, and I’d never know. My vision is focused anywhere but behind me. My ears and eyes are fixed straight ahead. Trained on those beautifully broken brown eyes. Entranced by those warm shivering lips. Completely enveloped in the sight of a lost looking Ashley before me. Her wet and flushed face never looking more vulnerable, or more beautiful, and before I even realize it, I’m making my slow shuffled steps right in her direction.
It takes an eternity to reach her, and in that eternity the snow turned to rain, draping us both in a cold heavy wet blanket. But for some reason, we don’t run for the door, or even for each other. We both only wait for my shuffled steps to move faster. For my body to reach hers. And Ashley remains straight where she is, hugged to herself, right in front of her huge SUV. Shrinking her shuddering and hunched form even more.
“You’re here.” Breathes from my shaking lips, still taken aback by her presence. For some reason, still not able able to actually believe she’s really here when I need her so badly. How she’s always here. And tonight, this time, for the first time, she has trouble looking at me. Flicking eyes look in every direction. Squinting eyes finally move from the ground to my unmoving ones, speaking not a word, and I can tell she tries so hard to not cry anymore than she already is.
And it breaks my already selfish breaking heart more than ever.
I take the last steps towards her, as if this dusty path between us will never go away, as if we’ll never lose our way. Because I could find her in my sleep. I’d know exactly where she was in the deepest dark. Even if I were blind.
Our stomachs lightly bump together as I finally make contact, sending shivers straight down my spine from the touch. Having nothing to do with the bitter air swirling around us, mixing in with such cold rain. She shakes her head, biting her lip, and I don’t even realize my fingers are wisping against her cheek until I actually see them there. Until I feel her leaning into my touch, eyes never leaving mine now. Focused so hard inside me.
“I’m sorry.” Croaks from both our regretful mouths, and I can’t let her say it again.
“No, Ashley...” I lean even closer, moving both hands to cup her chilled face in my hands, not even wondering why we’re still freezing out here instead of freezing inside there. But these words can not remain unsaid any longer. Looking her straight in the eyes, heavy rain dropping over her eyelashes, I whisper so sincerely and so seriously, “...I’m the one who’s sorry.”
And she shakes her head, not allowing it, but that’s not how this is gonna go. This is not a time where she's gonna make me feel better. Like she always does. No, this time this is all about her, and as my lips bravely find their way to her cheeks, softly kissing away any tears, instinctively knowing which drops belong to her and not the dark sky, she swallows harder and harder. Her tears have never tasted more salty, or heartbreaking, and I can feel my own eyes watering because of it. Because of the way her hands reach behind me, gripping and twisting the thick material of my winter coat.
Pulling me so close, I’ve never felt more inside her.
Tasting her desperation, I’ve never felt more outside either.
Pausing my clean-up kisses, my lips hover directly over hers, as if they were a shield. An umbrella from the storm, and suddenly I feel more than hear her low whimpers shaking against me. I feel just how much she depends on me in this moment, forehead resting against mine so strongly. And as her breaths stutter inside my mouth, I know it’s time for this to move elsewhere. It’s time for me to grip her hands, hold her for once, and whisper directly into her mouth, hoping it reaches her heart.
“I love you, Ashley. I love you so, so much. You have me, ok? You have all of me and you always will.”
She still doesn’t say anything, but this time, it’s ok. This time I’m not gonna let any defensive or insecure words break this moment. Break my honesty. Leaning even further into her, pulling our hands between us, between our panting chests, feeling her fall apart inside them, I whisper against her lips.
“Come inside with me.” I whisper permission for something I’ve never asked it for. Never needing to. And without an answer, she grants me it.
Squeezing my hands impossibly tighter, as if they were her life line, she nods against me, following me inside.
The apartment lives in pitch black, reminding me of the simple moments before Madison and I last left it. Before the party. Before all that broke in my life.
We shuffle through the living room, not even bothering with any of the lights. Silently making our way to what was once our only sanctuary. Our safest safe haven. Our tiny perfect world built for the two of us.
Shadows of our twisted tied forms still imprinted between the bed sheets of my never ending bed.
And I think I feel those forms already slowly disappearing. Dissipating. As if they'll never fill such warm and loved molds again.
Setting a soaked and shaking Ashley down on that same world of a bed, I move to the closet to get a towel, hitting the light switch on the way back. Finding her slouched over like a lost wounded puppy at the end of my bed. She looks so scared in a place I’ve only seen her so brave, that it kind of disturbs me. It rattles me to see such a strong person in such a weak place.
And it’s surprising how much stronger a weak person becomes because of it.
It’s both frightening and empowering how much stronger I’ve become because of it.
Walking with weird hesitancy, trepidation I haven’t felt in what feels like forever, I kneel down to the floor. My body fitting perfectly between her knees, allowing my body to now fit against hers tightly. Stapling us so so close together. But she still won't look at me. Hanging her head low, she keeps those easy eyes on her hands, and while it would normally worry me for selfish reasons, it only worries me for her. Because she’s not alright. Because I now realize she’s more lost and hurt than me. And I’ve never felt more unselfish in my life. I’ve never needed to put someone else before myself in such a desperate way.
So I put her so far ahead of me, I don’t even care if I lose her because of it. I don’t even care if my actions might scare her, because she needs me more. She needs what she may not want, and I’m going to give it to her.
My hands move to her face, of their own accord, towel drying her wet face. Letting my soft thumbs roll over each patch of newly dried skin. Christening and blessing it. Making my love for her known with each new delicate touch.
And she still won’t look at me.
Placing the towel on the bed beside her, I undo the buttons of her coat with newfound fright. But she’d never know it. She’d never know my weakness with the masked strength inside my touch. The jacket is so heavy, a symbol of the burden we’ve both tacked onto each other from this miserable night, and as I throw it to the ground, I wish so badly for it to lift any weight holding her down.
“Spence...”
She whispers into the air, and it pulls my eyes away from the ground to her, allowing our weepy eyes to finally lock. Looking at each other in such a strange way. Like we can’t believe we’ve ended up here. No matter how hard we tried to leave. No matter how hard we tried to remain mad. Doing everything we could to run away from this. But just like every other time, we only ended up running to each other.
And for once, I’m not sure if we’re both relieved about that.
Looking into each others eyes like two lost little girls. So unsure of what this world has in store for us. What this world has already given us. For what we’ve already given and stolen from each other.
And then she finally becomes the Ashley I’ve known for as long as I can remember. Wrapping her arms around my neck, pulling my body straight against hers, she becomes my Ashley.
“I’m sorry, Spence.” She whispers into my neck, voice breaking and tearing in such a grating way, that I feel myself hiccup a repressed sob. “...I’m so sorry.”
She continues holding me closer, enveloping me in her touch, and I refuse to let her do that. I refuse to let her take the blame for something that is really all mine. “...Please don’t do that, Ashley.” My voice becomes so small, swallowed and kidnapped from my held in tears, “...Please don’t say that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
Feeling her head shake against me, she leans back, tears welling up in her eyes and I can’t read them. I can’t see her thoughts in those water filled eyes. Through such clarity, I’ve never been more lost.
And it’s more than frightening.
“No Spence, you don’t understand–“
But I don’t let her finish. I can’t let her finish. Something about that ‘No Spence’ sounds more scary than the scariest horror film. Because it’s real. Because it’s not masked in anything but truth. And I know, I just know that that truth is not something I want to hear.
So I cut her off. My fright pushes my lips against hers. Covering and coating her unwanted words. Holding them captive inside my mouth. Locking them away, hiding them, as if it could keep her from ever saying them. As if I’d never have to hear them.
As if it could make us both forget everything.
And she doesn’t seem to mind the distraction, the interruption, the cheap ploy at procrastination. My see through plan to keep hard words from being said. Desperately searching for a world that lives inside the bed behind us. Feebly attempting to squeeze those forms back inside those shapes that are slowly caving in.
We’re both trying, because we both keep kissing. Searching over every inch of our slippery lips. She’s so wet and cold under my hands, not like she normally is, and it all feels so wrong. The water dripping from both of us, creating puddles of these heavy memories down to my carpeted floor. Dripping down to my white blanket, turning it gray. Seeping inside the warm threads, so I will never forget. The hard water forever living beneath us.
Beneath me.
Pulling my wet lips away from hers, I let my ragged and jaded breaths spit out against her mouth. And we both can’t look at each other this time. This time she merely pulls off my coat, sending it to the floor in the same way I just did with hers. And I realize how silly it was for me to believe stripping her could lift any weight.
Because with our jackets piled together on the floor behind me, I’ve never felt more held down.
“Come ‘ere” Practically growls in such a sad way from her mouth, feeling it brush all over my skin, and it makes me realize just how wrong this is. How we should not be doing this. Because I know we’re about to have sex. I know we’re about to feel each other so we don’t have to feel anything else.
We’re going to strip ourselves of everything, leaving us so bare and simple. Because we’re both foolish enough to believe it could strip us of every bad word. Every bad move.
We’re both silly enough to believe in our world instead of the real world.
And I’m still so lost inside her that I don’t stop myself from going to her. From crashing our hungry and mindless lips together. We lean so far into each other, that we might as well forge together as one human being. Not even feeling my knees going numb. Not even noticing how painful the hard ground is against them. Only feeling her truthful words rolling against my tongue, stroke for stroke. Only feeling her hands pulling and tugging at my shirt, never fully taking it off. Continually exposing my cold skin to the cold air, tug for tug. Taunting and teasing me, she asks for permission in a way that’s not really asking, but really giving me more time to stop her.
And it’s kind of unfair in a way that could never bother me, because we both know I’d never stop her.
Because we both know she’d never want me to either.
So it doesn’t surprise either of us when I pull away. When I rip that shirt off all on my own. Leaving my bare breasts out in that cold bitter air. Leaving them to be pressed against her wet shirt, as she reaches around me, desperate hands chasing my body again. Holding me so close to her once more, she only waits to kiss me. She only lets her lips breathe over me as we cry together. As we neglect the reason we're actually crying.
We're fully ignoring just how heartbreaking this all feels. How we both know there’s no going back from this. Both knowing we shouldn't try living inside that between the sheets world tonight. Knowing that if we try breaking inside there too soon, we might break it forever.
We might break it so hard we’d leave it shredded and shattered beyond repair. But as I push my body into hers, not able to stand the tease and wait any longer, I know I don’t care.
I know I’m still that same foolish girl I've always been.
And so is she.
Slowly, we slide up that lost bed, together, with hands that fumble over each other like two virgins. With trembling bodies slipping and moving together like strangers. And while that fact should sever my heart, it doesn't.
It doesn't even stint those foreign bodies from driving towards a place belonging solely to two other distant and lost girls.
Reaching the pillows, I lean back from her lips and look into her eyes. Seeing her looking as hungry as I feel. Already lost in our arousal to turn back. Already lost in the comfort of our far away world to stop. So when I slide my hand down to her shirt, I don’t even ask permission to relieve her of it. Because she's already panting and pleading “please” into the dry air. Because the seconds it takes for me to answer that plea have never passed faster, and before I know it we're both bare and topless together. Feeling her breasts against mine as I kiss her lips so deeply. Not even bothering to use my tongue. Not even wanting to. Just needing to feel her so innocently.
Just needing to feel those two lips inside mine in the most simple way.
Needing to follow another dusty trail away from her mouth, down her neck. Sucking each spot I've grown to understand more than any subject inside this crazy life. Learning her every sensitive spot as if it belonged to me. As if I were feeling it just as strongly. Reading her body so incredibly well, better and faster than the best book, I know just where to go next.
And so does she.
Hands burying further through my hair, she doesn't even need to guide me anymore. She trusts my every move, my every direction, my every word whispered inside her skin. She trusts me more than anything.
And it's sad the way sex makes us easily forget just how easily distrusting we were only a little while ago.
But we're not thinking about that.
We're not thinking at all as my lips search for a world they'll never find, slipping and sliding down the straight line of her body. As Ashley moans into the air, chanting my name in such a desperate way, I could never stop from giving her all that she needs.
Still believing in all my selfish ways, that I'm giving her everything she needs instead of what I need.
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The rain still splashes over the dark windows of my room, and somehow it's not as comforting as it once was. Our naked bodies live a lifetime away from each other on top of my bed, above the blankets. As if this bed knew these strangers weren't allowed inside the place where those old girls lived.
Or maybe those girls, hidden somewhere deep within ourselves, were the ones to know.
"Spence..."
Finally Ashley's voice slices into the silent air. And I don't even have to hear what she's gonna say to already feel the words. Body lying flat on my back, an exact reflection of her own, sweat sheening from both our chests, I whisper right back.
"This is it, isn't it?" Turning my face slightly, I speak so softly, terrified, wondering if she can even hear me over the rain taunting us from outside. "This is it."
The rain can't hide the swallowed lump caught in her throat, as she answers in a voice thick with tears, "I don't want it to be."
She picks up on the music room memory I threw us in. From that foolish night where we both believed we'd be ok. Where we both thought that by coming clean, and telling the truth, we could be together.
When we still never thought about what always held us back in the first place.
When we both ignored the fear of not getting caught, but the fear of actually being together.
"I don't want it to be either." I can't help muttering, still not wanting to believe it. Still not believing it, period. Because I'm not ignoring that fear any more. I don't care about the fear. Not as much as I care about her. Not as much as I need and want to be with her.
"It has to be, Spencer."
But Ashley's still afraid. Ashley's still so afraid, that it makes me wonder if I've ever really fully seen her at all.
"But..." I hopelessly stutter, looking up to the ceiling, eyes training to the side as they fill with more water than they're used to, than they can handle, "...but why?"
"You know why Spencer."
Breathes beside me, in a completely troubled way, and for the first time since our hopeless sex, I turn to face her.
"No. I. Don't." Grits between my clenched teeth, hoping to keep from crying as badly as I need to, my voice escalating further and further with every word, "...I just don't get it. Ashley. I know you love me. I love you. What we have is better than anything I've never had. Why do you want to run from that?? Why do you want to run from me??" I squint so painfully into her eyes, that I don't even know if I can keep looking at her, "...How can you run from me?"
She takes such a deep breath, with eyes that look like they physically hurt to look at me -- to actually see me -- and now I wonder how much longer I can actually look at her.
Now, I wonder if I'm even seeing her.
"Your family–"
"Fuck my family. Ok?" I'm speaking nonsense that's never made more sense in my poor little heart, that's never actually been more true. "You are my family Ashley. You are my everything. I love my parents, I love Clay, I don't hate Glen..." I try to laugh, but it only comes out as a pathetic dribble draped inside my little girl cries, "...but they don't make me smile like you. They don't make me forget how bad life can be sometimes. They're not the ones-"
"That is exactly my point Spencer." She cuts me off, leaving my mouth to open and close in complete confusion, "We are so unbelievably dependent on each other that it scares me." She takes another deep breath, eyes focusing straight down on the blanket between us as if what she's about to say is just too much, "...I am so incredibly dependent on you that it terrifies me..." letting out a breath that seems like she's been holding for years, she speaks more relieved than ever "...And I can't live that way. I can't need someone so badly that without them, I wonder if I'll be able to breathe. I wonder if I'll even know how."
A pregnant pause fills the thickening and widening space between us, even though we haven't moved an inch, and I don't say anything this time.
"I love you so, so much, Spencer..." Finally she looks into my eyes again, unfaltering, and now I only wonder if I can breathe, "...but I need you too much."
"I need you too."
Like a little girl lost for the first time, I whisper unnecessary and pointless words through choking lips, and I think they might have broken her heart. I think they might have shattered my own, because her hands fumbles for my cheeks. Her fingers wipe away tracks of tears that will only grow wet again, but it doesn't matter. She keeps wiping away as she kisses my salty lips.
"I know you do, Jelly." Her shaky voice shakes inside me, and I don't want it. I wish it were far from me. Because I know I can't have it anymore.
We remain there just like that, my wet and wobbling face held in her too strong hands. Just waiting for the inevitable. Just waiting for what we both knew was coming long before we forced our ways inside this unwelcoming bed.
"I better go."
She says it. She says the dreaded words I think I may have been dreading my entire life. And I think I shrink even further inside myself, curling away from her suddenly too close face. Giving her a barely there nod, I feel myself closing off and shutting in.
And she notices. Going in for what we both know is a last kiss, she understands. She knows better, and derails for my ear. Lightly pressing her too good and not wanted lips below it. Remaining there, so close to my unfitting body, trying so hard to mold to it like she's still allowed to or something.
And I already feel just how bitter I'm becoming. I already know how frozen I'll be when I wake up in the morning.
Without her.
"You're gonna be ok, Spence."
Whispers inside my ear, but I barely listen. I just remain still against her, and she knows how far away I'm pulling myself. She knows how badly I need to go where I'm going. And I know how badly she fights to let me actually go there.
"And this isn't goodbye."
Once more, she says all the right things that I can't hear, so I say nothing. I give her my best silent treatment, knowing it probably hurts her more than I even realize. But how could I? How could I when I barely realize how much she's hurt me? How could I realize anything when I don't even understand it?
But before I can over think anything more inside my too tired brain, she's picking her naked body up from this bed, and I don't even watch her. I can't. No matter how badly I want to see her. No matter how badly I wish to mentally photograph her.
I just can't bring my weak eyes to watch her leave me.
By the time she dresses herself inside the awkward and uncomfortable silence, my breathing is so shallow, it's dangerously close to drying and dissolving away completely. Somehow I notice she's made her way to my door, and as she opens it, she doesn't even turn to look at me, as she says more clearly than anything on this night.
"I love you, Spencer."
And before I can tell her every single word needing to burst from my sinking heart. Before I can utter every needy word to convince her to stay. Every honest word inside of me that knows this is all bullshit. That knows this shouldn't be goodbye.
That knows needing someone is never a reason to leave them.
It's too late.
She's already gone.
She's already making her way out into the storm once more.
Alone.
And I'm left here inside our world. Inside my calm.
More alone than ever.
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Chapter Twenty Four :: Counting Numbered Days