Chapter Twenty One : Act Two - The Break
When I was ten years old, I sped my cruiser straight down a steep hill, watching anywhere but the road. Indulged in childish smiles and laughter, I swiped the side of a parked car, sending my little body head first over my handlebars. As I flew through the too sunny sky in slow motion, I didn’t hear a single thing. Not the cars screeching and stopping. Not Madison's screams. Not my shrieking own.
When I slammed and skimmed across the dark gravely pavement, I didn't feel anything. Not my tan skin tearing. Not my left collarbone breaking right in half. No, as I rolled over, flat on my aching back, left arm loose and throbbing, I was numb. I was so far outside myself, I wondered if I was still alive. It was as if life knew I couldn't handle such gross severity. Like life knew my little heart couldn't sustain such unbearable pain.
So I lied there on the hot pavement, tears cascading down my cheeks, cries puttering out of my mouth, looking up to the sky. Watching a lone bird float high in the air. Watching it beautifully and delicately weave its path through nothing. And I felt myself floating right there with it. Feeling none of the pain.
It wasn't until the bone was set back into place, until my fragile body was put back together, that I felt that body scream back to life again.
And now, as my bedroom door opens, with Ashley floating above me like that same lone bird, I don't feel it. I don't feel my life breaking right in half. I only feel Ashley's hand crammed inside my too tight jeans, searching for something she'll never find. As my mother stutters, "Oh God. I – I’m, uh, sorry." I don’t hear it. I only hear Ashley's grunts of exhaustion against my neck instead.
And as my mother slams that same door shut, I only see Ashley hanging above me, eyes wide with fright, hand stuck inside my underwear. Still feeling her fingers against me.
Suddenly, she jumps back from the bed, fingers fumbling for the buttons of her shirt, but I stay straight where I am. Lying flat on my back, on my warm comforter, staring up at the ceiling. Looking at the cracked and chipped paint. Watching it blur and fuzz as instinctual tears crowd my eyes.
"Shit..." Ashley is so very aware, more so than me, as she paces with hands cradling her head. "Shit, shit, fuck..." I hear her stop above me, "...Fuck, Spence. What are we -- I mean, that was..." She's hiccuping, she's sputtering "...That was your mom, right? God, please tell me it wasn't. Please tell me I just imagined that whole nightmare. Please, Spence."
My eyes close on their own accord, shaking the tears down my cheeks. Teeth biting my bottom lip so hard I could draw blood. But I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. Not even Ashley's desperate hands tugging my removed body.
"Please, Spence, come on, what...what..." She sniffs and coughs hurriedly, blinking back tears, "...What are we going to do?"
One final moment of numbness, before I breathe in bitter air. Before I slide my shaking hands from my face. Before I pull my body from the bed to face hers.
Hardly able to look into her weary eyes, I breathe an “I don’t know...” only spurring my hopelessness further, sending more tears from my eyes as I exclaim a bit more forceful, “...I really don’t know.”
My eyes are now clamped shut, not able to see what’s truly unfolding here. Not able to see what’s truly unfolding inside of her, because I know what I’m going to find inside those eyes. I know exactly what’s going on inside that pretty head of hers.
Because it’s exactly what’s going on inside mine.
“God, we are so fucking stupid.” She walks away from me, and I already feel my whole body numbly shaking, “Seriously, what were we thinking?”
“We weren’t.” I whisper, idiotically, and she just turns to me, incredulous.
“Oh thanks for that one, Sherlock. Really, big fucking help.”
“Hey!” That snaps me into some sense of awareness, somewhat taken back by her anger, by her bitterness, “...I wasn’t fucking myself in that bed, ok? We’re both in this together. And really, we were gonna tell Glen later tonight, what does it matter if she already knows? She was going to find out sooner or later.”
My fright and shock speak words I don't mean. Words I don't even recognize. Words I wish had never poured from my loose lips, knowing how badly they'll flood this whole scene. Knowing they'll only flood and drown her. Away from me.
And as I look at her, I see what I feared. I see her already soaked and choking.
“Are you for real right now?” She looks at me as if she’s expecting me to answer, but, of course, the last thing she wants to hear is my voice,“It makes a big fucking difference, Spencer. It's everything. Because now all she’s gonna see is me on top of you. Me, her daughter-in-law, fucking you, her daughter. Ok? That’s the image she's going to be left with now, that seriously wrong vision, no matter what that is what she'll see when she sees me...”
Her body shakes visibly, but her vision is anything but unsturdy. No, her eyes stare a blazing straight and solid line right through me.“It makes all the difference, Spencer, because now I’m the monster. I’m the bad guy. So, no...” She shakes her head as if she wants to wake herself from this living nightmare, “...No, Spence, we are not in this together.”
Before I can get a word, an apology, a sob, an anything out, she’s opening my door. Running right smack into my mother, waiting in the hall. I can see the unstoppable gears steaming inside Ashley's mind, seeing just how bad this whole situation is. Feeling the reality of it seep into her bones, and I know she's terrified.
“Oh, God.” Is the last thing I hear her breathe before she cries her way down the hall.
Leaving me to face my mother, and her eyes, all on my own. Seeing those eyes stare at me so distanced, I feel my lungs physically close in on themselves. Having to see those loving eyes cold and disappointed, I need to get out of here. I need anywhere they're not, but her voice freezes and roots me to the spot.
“Not now, Spence, not tonight.”
“Mom-“
“Leave it, Spence.”
I stare at her for a moment, and suddenly this all feels like a dream. Because I see something so unbelievable in her eyes. I see a part of her that isn’t really surprised. I see all of her knowing all about this all along.
And I see her wanting me to stay right where I am. She wants me to leave a weeping Ashley to weep all on her own. But I could never do that, and I physically can’t right now.
Pushing past my angered and disapproving mother, I race down the stairs, hardly able to keep up with my stuttering feet. Madison is the first person I hear as I barrel towards the front door.
“Spence. Spence, woah, woah...” She grabs my arm, spinning me back to her, “...What’s going on, what happened?”
“Ashley...” I can only breath her name and that's it. Just sucking in the air around me as if I've started a marathon. Having to really think about how to keep inhaling and exhaling. Consumed by dizziness, feeling very lightheaded, and very nauseous, all of a sudden.
“She just left with Glen in a pretty big rush. Is she ok?" Her eyes trail over mine, as something seems to dawn on her, "What happened Spence, did someone–“ As if on cue, her eyes look over my shoulder, catching sight of what I’m assuming is my mother, "Oh my God, Spence, you guys didn’t...she didn’t–“
But I’m not waiting to hear her. I’m not waiting for her to voice my serious misfortune, blaring it to life. Nope, I’m racing out the front door, plowing through my parents perfect lawn, and crying over to our driveway. Feeling my stomach flip over and over, as I find Glen and Ashley fighting. Watching the way he looks so troubled and bothered.
Watching the way she looks so broken and so inconsolable.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Glen's voice bellows inside my sensitive ears, sending more tears to my eyes.
“Nothing...” Ashley’s voice croaks, thick with tears, “...I just want to go home. Please, Glen. Please, can we just go?”
“No. I’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck is going on. You're a mess and crying and something happened. Tell me what it is Ashley."
He doesn’t sound as compassionate, or sensitive, as a husband should. And it infuriates me.
"Leave her alone, Glen!”
He laughs, as if he can't believe I had the audacity to speak such words, before continuing far too casually, not taking me, or Ashley for that matter, as seriously as he should.
“Go back inside Spencer, we’re in the middle of something.”
But I'm far from casual. I'm reeling and removed. I'm weeping and needy.
"Fuck off Glen."
And I don't care anymore. I don't care about hiding, about hurting, about losing.
"You fuck off, Spencer, this doesn't concern you."
Because I can finally breathe. Because, for once, I feel so alive. I feel so free that I can't stop myself. I can't stop myself from starting Ashley and my late night show right now. Making it an early matinée.
"Actually, Glen..." Taking a deep breath, catching one last look of disapproval from Ashley -- shouting 'please, don't go there' -- I go there. "It does concern me."
That gets his attention. That grabs it and strangles it inside my hands. Inside my wobbly voice.
"What are you whining about now?"
His blatant rudeness only adds more fuel to my fire. Only throws more salt into Ashley's wounds. And I have to send her an apologetic look, a meaningful look, telling her that I need to do this, that it has to be now.
Hoping she's with me. Hoping she won't leave me all alone when it's all said and done.
"It does concern me Glen, because..." One deep breath. "You are a moron."
He looks at me with rightful confusion, unaware of the weighty meaning behind my heavy words. He's so baffled that he's ready to cut me short, but I speak over him, "This concerns me because you don't know what you have." I give a silent and weeping Ashley my most sincere eyes, my voice becoming so small, so diminutive, as I speak such powerful words, "Because you never hold her hand."
Glens roaring laughter breaks the moment, breaks what looked like a close to smiling Ashley.
"Ok, you're drunk and wasting our time talking about holding hands or something gay like that, go sober up Spence–"
"This concerns me, Glen," My booming voice shuts him right up, my clear and strong voice paints my sobriety perfectly for him, as I speak with nothing but fear and honesty. "Because you don't love her, Glen..." For once he looks like he knows just what I'm talking about, before I finally let it all out, "...Not like I do."
In an instant, life is put on mute. Not a sound can be heard inside this night. Not the cars breezing by on some distant road. Not Ashley's swallowed and muffled sobs. Not even my mother, who is probably standing right behind me.
Through the unnerving silence, Glen asks with squinting eyes and a harsh whisper, "What'd you just say?"
It scares me how offended he looks, it rattles me how real this all feels. But I breathe in deep, ready to repeat myself. Ready to repeat the most honest words inside me.
"I love her, Glen. I love her in a way you'll never know. You'll never understand. Because I know her. I know her better than anyone..." I can't tell if he wants to laugh at me or slap me, but I bite my lip. I feel myself tremble. "I know her in a way you've always taken for granted. You don't care about her Glen, you never have. She's just another trophy to you. She's just another beautiful object inside your beautiful house that you can call yours – but she's not." I stop myself, reeling from the brutal honesty of my own words, "She's not yours, Glen."
"Oh so she's what..." He laughs, but I don't think he finds this very funny, "...She's yours then? Get real, Spence-"
"She's right." For once, Ashley's unrecognizable voice enters the scene, taking both Glen and me by surprise. But it's only Glen, turning to her faster than a tornado, who looks unbelievably moved by what she's said, "You don't know me, Glen, you never have." Her arms hug herself, voice growing stronger with each word, "...You don't care about me, you never have. You don't have me, you never have. You don't love me, you never have..." She crumbles, tears spilling over clouded eyes, "...and I don't love you, I never have, and that you do know. That you've always known."
Before we can say anything, she grabs the keys from his hands, wordlessly walking to the car. I watch the scene like a movie, forgetting that this is actually happening to me. Forgetting that I don't want to be left alone. Forgetting that she's the one leaving me.
Forgetting she never said anything to confirm everything else I said.
Working on adrenaline, on instinct, I push past my dumbfounded brother and force my way inside their Escalade without even realizing it. And she doesn't even look at me as she starts the car, as she reverses out the drive way, as she pulls over just down the street.
"Get out, Spencer."
What?
"What? No." I shake my head, feeling tears not belonging to me spill over my cheeks, "No, I'm not getting out. We need to talk. We need - we need to be together, not alone..." My words are quivering and stuttering, lost between my heavy breaths, and steady sobs, as I whisper, so vulnerable, "...I don't want to be alone. I can't. Not without you."
She hears it. My little girl fears as my little voice floats away. And she sighs because of it. She sighs for the heartbreak in my voice, in her heart, leaning her weary head on the steering wheel,speaking with such a sad voice, "This isn't how this was supposed to go. It wasn't supposed to be this messy, this rushed. It wasn't..."
Her body starts to shake above the wheel, and all I want to do is reach for her. But for some reason, I don't feel allowed. For some reason all I hear is her not confirming my love. All I feel is my insecurity nagging me. All I feel is a stranger beside me.
So I don't reach for her. I only reach for myself.
"Why didn't you..." I blink away annoying tears, looking out the window. "Why didn't you say everything else?"
"What?" She's tired, and not following, and I'm only feeling more foolish.
"Before. To Glen. You didn't..." My voice is so weak, and I hate it, I don't want to sound so worn down as I try and stick up for myself. "You didn't say you loved me too. You didn't say that we were, you know..." Hoping my ambiguity paints enough of a picture, I mumble off, "...You didn't say anything."
"Please, Spencer, this entire night has been a nightmare. Please don't analyze and judge the way I fell apart inside it."
She sounds honestly defeated, but it only bruises my beaten down heart more. It only makes me feel more alone than I've ever felt.
"I'm not judging you." Brisks from my bitter mouth, sounding just as icy as I feel inside.
And she turns to me, matching my tone bite for bite. "Yeah, Spence, you are."
"Well maybe if you didn't make me feel so dumb. Maybe if you didn't leave me to hang out there all on my own instead of only looking out for yourself-"
"What? What the hell are you talking about Spencer?! All I've ever done is look out for you, all I've ever cared about is how you felt. All I've ever done is baby your feelings–"
"Oh really?" Cackles from my cruel, cruel mouth, about to go some place I never even knew existed inside of me, "Is that what you were doing when you married my brother? Were you babying my feelings then, Ash?"
Woah. And her face says it. Her gaping mouth spells she never knew I had it in me either.
"What?" Seethes between her clenched teeth, and it frightens me. It shakes me, because I've never seen such an equal mixture of pain and anger. But I'm already so inside this, I can't back track now. I can't take back any of these words.
There's just been too many. There's already been too much honestly said on this wicked night to stop now.
"Why, Ash? Please, just tell me why. If you don't love my brother, if you never loved him – Why the hell did you marry him??"
It squeaks out from my mouth, like I don't possess the voice required to ask that kind of question. The biggest one there is. And she looks absolutely stricken. She looks unbelievably taking aback. She looks like she doesn't know how to form words, and as she mumbles and fumbles and opens and closes her mouth, I'm starting to wonder if she really doesn't know how.
"Honestly, Ash..." Regret and insecurity biting at me, nagging at me, because of her silence, because of her lack of confirmation from before, I take one last stab into a body that'll never come back, not after I cross this line, "...Was it for the money?"
"Fuck you, Spencer, seriously. Fuck. You."
It would scare me if she wasn't sobbing as she said it. But she was sobbing, and she still is, harder than I've ever heard, and if I thought I was regretful before those horrid five words spewed from my mouth, I had no clue. I've never regretted something so badly before in my entire ridiculous life.
"I'm sorry, Ash, I didn't–"
"Is that what you really think of me, Spencer? Really?" Her face looks so torn and shattered, I hardly recognize it. "If you even have to ask that..." She's shivering as she turns away from me, "...then you don't know me, you know nothing about me..." Her voice becomes so quiet, as if she's unwilling to accept what she's about to say, "...and I know even less about you."
Silence rains over us, in the most permanent droplets. Mixing and blending with our tears.
"You know I don't think that, Ash. Please, you have to know I don't believe that." I finally chance a whisper into the air, having to let her know I could never ever think that, and while she doesn't say anything to debate it, she still won't look at me, looking so frostily out the steamed up dash, "...I just don't understand..." I'm so unbelievably tired, feeling so unbelievably dizzy, wondering if maybe Glen was right, maybe I am drunk, "...I just don't see how you could - how you could marry him..."
Finally she turns to me, unmistakable tears flooding her eyes. Tears not for where we're going, as if we're going together. Not for all we've accomplished tonight. No, she has tears in her eyes that cry for where we'll never go. For what we've lost. Between the words we can't take back. Between the decisions we never made. Between the months and years we've lost.
"You still don't get it, Spence. You still don't. God–" She bites her lip and shakes her head, "Don't you see that all I've ever wanted is you? That all I've ever loved is you? Please, why won't you ever realize that? Why can't you just believe it?"
"How can I, Ash? How could I? You dated my brother, you were with him. Not me."
I'm soft as I speak ridiculousness. And she knows it. "Oh please, Spencer, any one with eyes knew I was doing it to get close to you! Any one, even you."
I don't know what to say. Because she's right. Because she's uncovering my faults now. And I've tried so hard to hide those faults --from myself, let alone her -- for so very long.
"How was I supposed to know, Spence, huh? How was I to believe that you actually loved me too? After all the times I tried to get you to open up. All the times I practically threw myself at you, only to have you throw me back...what was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to do??"
"Oh so you figure I don't love you, might as well marry my asshole brother?" I laugh, incredulously, "...It doesn't make sense, Ash, it doesn't add up, it's like-"
"Because I didn't want to be alone!" Shrieks and echoes and runs everywhere inside this car, "Because I couldn't be alone. Not anymore. Because if you didn't love me, like I loved you, then at least I could have you as family..." She whispers into her hands, never sounding younger in her life, "...I could have you forever..." Taking a deep breath, she sounds like she's trying to compose herself, "...and I don't know why I couldn't trust that that could happen on its own, without marrying your brother. It was so stupid, I was so stupid. But I couldn't help it, after meeting your family..." A head shake full of exhaustion leaves her, and I know we're about to get into real reasons, "...I met them, Spence, these awesome people, people you're so lucky to have, people who actually liked me. Who actually started, like, including me. They started loving me..."
The light bulb goes off inside my dumb, and more dumb, brain and she still won't look at me as she speaks directly from her too open heart, "I forgot what that was like. Having a family. It felt nice. Too nice. I didn't want to lose it."
Staring out her side window, she breathes so heavily.
"So you married Glen for my family?" It comes out more rude than I had intended. But the longer that question sits in the silent unanswered air, the more I realize that maybe it was my intention. The more I realize I don't know what to think of all this. The more silent she becomes, the more insecure I feel. "Is that what you're doing with me now? Keeping me to keep my family?"
Once again I've asked the wrong thing, because she sighs so heavily I feel like she may have lost herself in it. She only closes her eyes, as she rolls her head back against her seat, staring up to the car ceiling.
"Get out, Spencer. Please, just – just get out of my car."
"What? No..." My heart is racing cause something about that request sounds too final. Too serious, too much like she's never meant or wanted something more, "...Why do you want me to leave?"
"Because I can't keep having this conversation. Because I can't keep fighting you to love me. I can't keep exhausting myself trying to make you believe it. I'm tired of trying, Spencer, I'm so damn tired..." I don't think I can breathe as she looks down at her hand on the stick shift, speaking words I've never wanted to hear, "...And I don't know what I'm even fighting for anymore. I can't remember what we thought we'd ever get out of this. Honestly, who were we kidding?" She gives a small shrug of her shoulders, as if it's that easy to give this up, to give me up, and I can't stop sobbing, "...This was never gonna work, Spence, we both know that. We had a chance, we both lost it."
"No, no, no..." Fumbles from my lips, this is wrong, she's not supposed to say this, she was never supposed to say this, "...No this is not it, Ash. What about..." I'm pathetically sputtering "...what about Peanut Butter and Jelly and..." Shaking my head with eyes so firmly shut, wondering if I'll ever be able to open them again, wondering if I'll ever want to without her to look at, "...What about not letting me suffocate? Who's gonna help me breathe, Ashley? Who...who's gonna watch out for me? Who's gonna hold my hand? Who..."
I can't go on anymore, I can't. I'm drowning in my own tears, in my own flood, and I know she fights to not hold me. I know she fights to not let me breathe.
I know she fights to say these words.
"I can't anymore, Spence, I just...can't.." One heavy breath leaves her lips, shooting right inside me, weighing down on my every organ "...Maybe..." She bites her lip, as if she doesn't want to say these words, as if she needs to do everything she can to stop herself from saying them, "...Maybe I'm not supposed to be the one to do that. Maybe I'm not the one for you anymore...Maybe I never was."
"I don't believe that. I don't. And you don't either, Ash, I know you don't..." I try and smile the most awful smile of my life, as I practically blubber between my shaking lips, "...because you're my Peanut and I'm your Jelly."
But she still won't look at me, and the air becomes so silent. Silent with denial. With rejection. And it's wearing on me. It's tearing and ripping me. I'm losing my strength. I'm losing my resolve. I'm losing my belief in us. And once I lose that, we lose each other. Because for once, it's only my crumbling faith that holds us together.
Time ticks by, and just like that, it's over. I can't do it anymore. I can't sit inside this painfully silent car anymore.
I was never that strong anyway.
"If you really believe that..." Somehow, my voice comes out tear free, more solid than ever, and I won't look at her, I can't, letting my eyes look nowhere to the side, "...if that's how you feel, than you don't know me, you know nothing about me..." I take one last shaky breath, as I open my car door, choking on my last words, "...and I know even less about you."
Shutting her car door, I wrap my arms around my shuddering form, but feel nothing. Walking from her running engine, I weep into the cold December air, but hear not a thing. Heading towards my family filled house, full of their disapproving eyes, I don't see anything.
Feeling so numb. So removed. Watching this scene unfold from a bird's eye view. Floating and careening through the night time sky, as if I were never here. As if this were some other unfortunate souls life.
It's not until I hear Ashley's car skid off, that I finally see my parents standing in the open front door. It's not until I feel Ashley drive off down the road, that I feel my mother's eyes unable to look at me.
It's not until I fully realize how far Ashley is from me, how far she'll always be, that I feel my fragile heart break into a million little pieces.
Because it's only now that I feel my shattered body scream back inside my broken apart life again.
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Chapter Twenty Two :: Act Three - The Calm After