Chapter Nineteen : Will Nots
Slumped and sullen on the couch, I hopelessly scan through every channel. Seven hundred of them and there's nothing on. A world of entertainment between my lazy hands, and I can’t find one thing to watch. I’m so antsy for something fun to do and even more picky about whatever that something is.
Never a working combination for promising results.
This is supposed to be a relaxing Thursday night. The paper’s been put to bed. There are no events for me to photograph tomorrow morning. I get to stay up late and sleep in even later. But it’s only 8PM and I already want to go to bed. This day’s dragged on and on and it feels like it’s been dark forever. Thanks to winter and it’s lazy sun, daylight left me hours ago. So long ago, and I wish I were already sleeping. Not because I had a long day. Hardly. Not because I’m tired. No, I’m so far from tired.
I want to close my eyes tonight so I can open them tomorrow.
“God. I’m so freakin’ bored.”
I bellow from my sunken position on our too comfortable couch, as Madison laughs in such a smart ass way from her room.
“No. You’re just really fucking frustrated.”
Her voice is smothered in the condescending smirk I know is plastered all over her face, and I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“Whatever.”
Because she’s right. She is always so freaking right it scares me. I’m so not bored. I’m so not antsy. I’m frustrated. I’m so frustrated. Because I haven’t seen Ashley since Monday night. Since the music room sex night. Since the coming clean to Madison about Ashley night.
And it’s killing me. Because I’m missing her in more ways than one. I’m needing her in every possible way.
But this is what we both wanted. Ashley and me. We both knew this was the only way, the only hope of us not doing anything until we confess to Glen. It’s our only devastating hope. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned these past few days, if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s if I’m anywhere near Ashley, I need Ashley.
I have to have Ashley. And there’s no stopping it.
It’s just too hard. She’s just too tempting. She’s my second beer when I’ve sworn to only have one. She’s my one slice of pizza that becomes the whole pie. And I know it goes both ways.
We only have to wait till Saturday, after Lindsay’s fifth birthday party, because anything before that would be disastrous. We both know our honest confessions will have repercussions. Serious repercussions. And whether those repercussions will ripple that far, I’m not sure, but what I am sure of is I will not ruin my niece’s big day. I will not do that to her.
So we wait. Ashley and I find an impossible way of getting through each day without seeing each other. We talk on the phone. We whisper our secret words. We think of each other tied together, when we lie alone in bed late at night.
And it doesn’t compare.
It doesn't even come close.
I’m growing more antsy by the day. I’m growing more needy every second. And I’m aching for her. Aching for her in such an unbelievable way that I can’t fathom how I ever survived without her. How I ever got through a night without tasting her. Without holding her. Without seeing her so close while hearing her so intimate.
And while my untamed and nowhere near sated arousal is borderline painful and cruel, I’m still lucky for it. I’m really lucky, because it’s distracted me from all the other feelings I should be feeling.
Like fear. Like anxiety. Like fucking terror.
Because it’s only two days till Lindsay’s birthday party. Which means it’s only two days till I get to see Ashley. And that means it’s only two days till we tell Glen.
But somehow, I’m only concerned with the former. Foolishly, I only care about seeing Ashley again.
“Maddy, find me something to do.” I whine from the couch once more, as if I were a five year old begging my mother to take me somewhere fun. But it never worked for me as a child, and it’s certainly not working now. Madison merely strolls out from her room, wool jacket buttoned to her chin beneath a heavy scarf, and smirks at me.
She smirks cockily at me. Again. “Sorry, babe, you’ve got the wrong brunette for that request.”
She’s really not helping.
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” Breezes from my lying lips, eyes glazed and fixed on the blinking TV screen, while she rummages through the paper mess on the kitchen table.
And she just laughs at me. Again. "Riiight.”
Yeah, she’s so not helping. At all. She's only adding to the distraction. Ever since I told Madison everything, ever since I filled her with my secrets, she’s only kept them safe. She’s only kept me safe. Too safe. She’s lifted the biggest weight of my life. She’s made me feel ok. She’s made me feel right. About me. About Ashley. About everything.
And I still don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
“Why don’t you just call her?”
She’s now lifting various hoodies and jackets from random living room chairs and surfaces, all belonging to me. The messiest slob ever.
“Because...” I sigh, practically huffing and puffing, “...because it makes me feel needy!”
Finally, I let it all out. The truth. The frustration. Still feeling funny discussing Ashley so openly. So normally.
So honestly.
“Well that’s because...” Madison walks between the couch and table, patting me on the head on her way, “...you are needy.”
Sighing helplessly, her good natured insult doesn’t even phase me, as I glance down at the remote between my hands. Fingers picking over the plastic as if they might do something. As if the smudges they create might actually make a dent someday.
“I can’t call her, Madison.” Inhaling a slow, thoughtful breath, I finish in a whisper, “It only makes being away from her more hard.”
That stops Madison's manic and frantic movements -- I’m assuming she's searching for her bag -- and I can feel her eyes looking down on me with sympathy I’ve never wanted, before she walks back towards the recliner, slower and softer with her words, “Then you should call her.”
“Madison, I can’t.” Emphasizing every word, hoping she gets my point. Hoping she catches the drift that I actually, really, physically can’t call Ashley.
“Look, Spencer, I know you guys have that silly agreement, which I really don’t understand. I mean what difference does two days of staying away from each other make in the grand scheme of-“ Her voice stops suddenly, as she darts behind a chair, throwing her purse over her shoulder and exclaiming to no one but herself “A-ha!”
She looks far too proud of herself, and for a moment I feel bad for being such a messy roommate. Only a moment though, before I remember the conversation at hand.
“Good work, Mads, now focus. Back to me. What were you saying?”
"Oh, I don't know, it wasn't that important..." Mindlessly mumbles from her proud adorable smile, as she sifts through the life crammed inside her too small and overly packed bag, before her eyes perk up towards me. "Just call her, Spence."
She smiles, warmly this time, and walks towards our front door. But I want more. I want to whine till I get what I want. “No, Madison, come on, tell me. You were talking about Ashley and me and our agreement and-"
"Look, stop worrying about what I was saying and listen to what I am saying." Her eyes look down on mine, seriously, convincingly, letting me know I have no other choice but to listen. "I am going over Jack's. For the night. For the entire night." There's that not-helping-smirk from her too supportive lips, "So you should call her. Please just call her."
Before I can protest and lie about how I can't and don't want to call Ashley, she teasingly winks and walks out the door. Leaving me all by my lonesome in our dark living room. Leaving me to my own weakening strength and crippling resistance to overwhelming temptation.
I sit up straight and go back to the remote. A newfound vigor and determination in my fingers and eyes.
I will find something to watch.
I will not think about Ashley.
I will not remember every single place we've kissed.
I will not relive every time we've had sex.
And I will not call her.
I will not, under any circumstance, call Ashley.
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"Hey Ash -- I mean, Ashley. It's me...S-Spencer..." Rolling my eyes for being such a moron , I continue stuttering into the phone, leaving the World's Most Pathetic Voice Mail. "So, I know we said we wouldn't hang out this week and stuff but..." I fiddle with the cotton of my sweat pants, breathing heavily, "...but it's Thursday night and Grey's starts any minute and you know how much I hate watching that addictive trash alone. I mean laughing and bitching about Meredith's self indulgent and self absorbed ways is depressing when I have to do it all by myself."
Tired of rambling on the couch, I mosey over towards the window. "It's way more fun watching with you. So yeah, you should come over and watch. And, hey, if you do I'll make you popcorn. I mean, sure it's the microwavable kind and I'll probably burn it because I'm that hopeless in the kitchen. Which really isn't my fault, everyone knows the popcorn button on a microwave is like more unreliable than the Bush Administration. Oh by the way, I printed out the best Maureen Dowd editorial for you yesterday, have I mentioned how much I want to marry that woman? Well, remind me to tell you about that if..." Pausing, I bite my lip, contemplating, working up bravery, "...you know, when you come over." Eyes looking out the window, through the pink night time sky, knowing snow is on its way, I shrug, hopeless and defeated.
Ready to cut through the bullshit.
"I don't know what I'm even mumbling about anymore. All I know is I miss you." One relieving sigh, just realizing how good, how freeing, telling the truth can sometimes feel. "I really miss you Ash. And I really want to see you. Tonight. Because who's gonna tell me what every good song playing over every dramatic surgery scene is? And who's gonna put on a repeat of Friends when Grey's is over, huh? Because you know I can never find it. You know I always end up with Seinfeld or Mad About You, and you know how much I despise both those shows and their inane theme songs. See, I need you to rescue me from that kind of hell. I just– " Taking a deep breath, I whisper, "I just need you."
Suddenly feeling vulnerable, I realize I need to wrap this up. I know it's time to give up hope on Ashley coming over.
I know it's time to accept my sleeping alone for the night.
"Right. I'm, uh, gonna go after leaving the world's longest and most pointless message ever." My voice becomes so small, quieting all on its own, softening for the honest words I'm about to breathe. "I really wish I could see you, Peanut, because I'm starting to forget how brown your eyes are. And that just isn't right." One last honest sigh, I turn back around. "So you know–"
My breath hitches, when I find someone standing in the front door. "Ash?"
She answers me with a soft smile and a cute small wave, catching sight of a few melting snowflakes in her hair. Slightly dazed, I shut my phone. "How long have you been standing there?"
To be honest, I'm somewhat mortified with the thought of her seeing me pour my pathetic heart out. Seeing me say the words she'll eventually hear. The words that felt far more safe without her eyes watching me say them.
"Not too long." She smiles, knowingly, and I'm still kind of surprised by the sight before me. I'm still trying to comprehend the too good to be true fact that she's actually here.
"How did you ? When did..." A grin slowly spreads over my lips, finally registering her presence, finally seeing her after missing her for what feels like foreve. "How did you know to come over?" Before she can answer, however, an annoying light bulb goes off in my mind, "Wait, did Madison call you?"
Her face falls in adorable confusion. "Madison? No. No, why would Madison call me?"
She laughs in a baffled way, and I breathe a sigh of relief. "No, reason." Breathing another sigh of joy. For not having Madison meddle. For having Ashley here because she wants to be here.
Because she wants me.
And we just stand there. Staring at each other. Goofily. Naively. Taking in the sight we've been deprived of for far too long. Seeing everything we've only been able to imagine for the past few days that have felt like years. Absorbed in only the two of us, nowhere close to living inside the surrounding world. Living in only our world.
"I miss you, Spence." Her soft but raspy voice cracks through the comfortable silence. "I miss you so much, and I couldn't wait any longer. I don't care about Glen. He's out wherever doing whatever he wants. And I'm nowhere. So far away from everything I want. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle being so far away from you."
I feel my lungs tighten, with an ecstatic heart beating wildly between them. It's as if I'm hearing her confessions all over again. For the first time. And as she smiles at me, tentatively, shyly, I can tell she feels the same way.
"That's why I had to come over. That's why I knew to come over. I had to see you." The comfortable silence takes a turn for tense, turning wider and wider with every tediously slow step she makes toward me. "I was driving around tonight, just driving nowhere, anywhere. And all I could see were your beyond blue eyes. And all I could hear was your adorable laugh." Her eyes look darker than I remember, and they're growing even darker the closer she gets to me. "All I could think of were your hands holding mine, your hands somehow holding all of me at once." I gulp from the way her voice becomes thicker with every one of her words. "And then you called. You called when I was already driving here. And suddenly it was like I could only keep going. Like, there was nowhere else I could possibly go."
She's right before me now, easily smiling at me, and I no longer feel antsy or frustrated. And the last thing I want to do with her so close, almost on top of me, is go to sleep.
The only thing I want to do is touch her. Everywhere. All night. For as long as I can. But I can't. I can't, and I need to remember that. I need to remember our promise.
Slowly and gently, her hand reaches for mine, intertwining our foreign fingers. Making sure they become reacquainted after going so long without touching each other.
"Do you remember now?" Eyes looking right through mine, never feeling someone stare at me straighter in my entire life, before her voice rasps so close to my lips. "Can you see how brown they are now, Spence?"
It finally hits me what she's talking about, it finally registers with me, and while it makes me blush, it makes me smile more. Because of course I remember. I remember what I never forgot in the first place. What I will never forget, because how could I? How could I not remember her golden eyes, and the way they warmly tie into mine, piercing everywhere through my blue. Lighting me like they were the sun.
She licks her lips, and I have to fight the urge to lean into them.
But I can't. I can not kiss her.
I will not, under any circumstance, kiss Ashley.
And before I realize it, Ashley's kissing me. Soft and slow and searing. Blazing another memory inside my mind. Making up for what little time we've lost that's actually felt like all the time we've ever had.
And as her tongue strokes right along mine, I have to literally scream inside myself. I have to write memo after memo on the post it pad inside my conscience.
We can not have sex.
I will not, under any circumstance, have sex with Ashley.
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Ashley's body still shivers and shakes beneath mine. Chest pressed to her back, I pin her to the bed. Hands fully wrapped under her, one fitted between her legs, the other between her breasts.
We're both so tired. So spent.
So deliciously spent.
The skin on her spine is damp and slick, allowing my dry lips to easily slide everywhere along it. Softly pressing my mouth against her from every angle, I adore her every curve, every dip, every muscle that contracts and relaxes under my relaxing touch.
Gentle moans fill the space between her pants. Both our lungs trying to find the air again. Trying to level our out-of-breath breathing. Together. My hands slowly slide from their compromising positions, moving to more innocent places. Stroking along her ribs, causing her to giggle softly. Wisping along the outsides of her thighs, earning sharp intakes of her breath in return.
And I keep drawing my lips over her back. Sketching, painting, branding my love inside her sweaty skin. Dipping my tongue here and there, tasting the sweetest salt ever. Remembering it forever. Tasting and touching her to remember. For no other reason than to have her for a little longer. To feel her for every minute I possibly can.
Her body begins reacting to my touch, however. Curling into the mattress beneath her and pushing back into my body wrapped around hers. Spent sighs turn into pleading whimpers. And I'm ready to give in. Ready to give her all she's asking for. Again.
But somethings changing. Something's unfolding between these damp sheets wrapped around our tangled bodies. Yes, something's happening alright. The air is shifting. The moment is intensifying. As if we both know what's inevitably coming. As if we're both finally realizing it. Accepting it.
And as a soft hand reaches back for mine, her gorgeous body turning between my arms, I feel a reality pit drop in my stomach.
"Come 'ere." Exhales from her exhausted lips. "Come lay with me."
Through such a sincere whisper, I still hear something else in her voice, and it pulls me up the bed faster than ever. It slides me right next to her side, seeing her face to face. Reading her warm smile, making me smile.
Reading something unreadable, making me nervous.
Her hands pull my face to hers, kissing me gently, before whispering, shakily, against my shaking lips. "Thank you."
"Your welcome. " Truthfully, meaningfully, rasps from my mouth, as we get stuck in a heated stare. Feeling her naked body pressed to my naked body. Feeling myself on sensory overload. Because feeling every one of your dreams, all at once, inside your reality is one of the most overwhelming emotions a person can have.
And I'm feeling them, right here, right now. Staring at Ashley's too pretty face. Staring at this unbelievably gorgeous girl lying in my bed.
"Whatcha thinkin about?" Through tired and lidded eyes, she whispers curiously against me, still sounding more adorable than ever, and I answer her absentmindedly. Unthinkingly.
"How pretty you are." Eyes scanning over every one of her features, I softly speak from my thumping heart. "How lucky I am."
Once again, she looks like I've said the sweetest thing in the world, and it baffles me, because it pales in comparison to the things she's said to me. To the precious words she's always given me.
And then my lips are between hers again, feeling that same Heaven I'll never get used to. But this time she's holding me with them. This time she's locking me with her kiss, never wanting to let me go. And as she pulls away, I feel how shaky her lips are. I can feel them trembling as we break apart. I can see tears forming in her eyes, fear marching on both our horizons.
And while those wet eyes used to frighten and push me away, they only pull me now. They only wrap my arms around her tighter. Needing to be impossibly closer to her.
"Hey, Peanut." One of my fingers moves to her chin, gently forcing her to look at me as I carefully pull out what's upsetting her. "Whatcha thinking about?"
It absolutely kills me as I see her chin dimpling. As I feel it quivering against my fingers, watching her bite onto her bottom lip, as if it could stop the shaking.
"I'm thinking I can't lose you. I just can't lose you." She says it, so softly, between her practically closed lips, and I want to tell her differently. I'm ready to be the one to tell her she won't lose me. For the first time, I'm not afraid to reassure her of how ok everything is going to be.
But then she wraps her hands around my back, kneading my skin with desperate fingers, and whispers hard words I've never heard leave her lips before. "I'm scared, Spencer. I'm so scared."
And I can only hold her closer. Holding her for dear life, locking the lock she wrapped me in only moments before. Physically showing her she'll never lose me. Physically showing her there's nothing to be scared of.
No matter how hot her tears feel against my neck.
Or how terrified they make me.
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Chapter Twenty :: Act One - The Befores